Lessons I've Learned as a Father

We are featuring an article written by Andy Batcheller. Andy teaches A New Beginning Marriage Retreats for Cornerstone Ministries with his wife of 24 years, Megan. Andy is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who specializes in couples therapy. After spending 25 years as a business owner, Andy returned to school to fulfill his life’s purpose of helping couples find fulfillment in their lives and families. They live in Atlanta, and their 2 daughters are in college.

Growing up, my dad always invited me to tag along with him on weekends and during the summer. Through those moments together, I learned a great deal about life. My experience with him, however, wasn’t the same as my sister’s. As it turns out, men and women often experience and interpret relationships differently.

While my sister and I have different memories of our dad’s parenting style, there was one thing we never questioned: we knew we were loved because he was present.

I’d like to think my two daughters feel the same about me. At the same time, I can admit that my words and actions haven’t always communicated my love as clearly as I intended. Fortunately, my daughters aren’t afraid to tell me when I’ve missed the mark. In fact, they’ve shared a few lessons they believe every parent should know.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way—sometimes the hard way—that may help as we navigate fatherhood together.

Laughter Can Heal, but Humor Can Hurt

My wife recently reminded me, “You don’t want to be your child’s first bully.” We were playing tennis at the beach when my daughter missed a shot, and I laughed. That’s something many guys do without thinking. But just because it’s common doesn’t make it harmless.

Children are deeply influenced by the words and reactions of their parents.

• Don’t make fun of your kids.
• Laugh with them, never at them.
• Be mindful of the impact your words and actions have on them.

I’ve heard it said, “Be careful what you say to your child because you become the voice in their head as they grow.”

Scripture reminds us of the power of our words:
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
— Proverbs 16:24

The messages our children internalize can either build confidence or create doubt. Encourage and strengthen your children. Build them up rather than tear them down.

Encourage and Build Up

Many people—especially men—sometimes make fun of things they don’t understand. I’ve been guilty of this myself. Whether it’s wondering why girls take so long to get ready or why they enjoy taking endless selfies, it’s easy to dismiss what doesn’t make sense to us.

Instead:

• Don’t make fun of things you don’t understand.
• Don’t embarrass your children.
• Seek connection rather than criticism.

I’ve learned that curiosity opens the door to meaningful conversations. Asking questions demonstrates humility and communicates that I don’t have all the answers. It also empowers my daughters by showing them that their thoughts, interests, and experiences matter.

Sometimes our children have a lot to teach us.

Be Intentional with Your Time

For much of my career, I worked hard to provide good gifts for my children. What I eventually realized is that they wanted my presence far more than my presents.

As parents, it’s easy to believe that giving our children more things is an expression of love. But often, in our pursuit of providing everything they want, we sacrifice what they need most: our focused attention.

The Bible speaks to the importance of investing in our children:
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
— Proverbs 22:6

Intentionally make undivided time for them.

Connect on Their Terms

As a father of daughters, I’ve discovered that meaningful connection often happens when I enter their world rather than expecting them to enter mine.

My oldest daughter enjoys tennis and going out to eat. My youngest loves shopping. While those activities aren’t always my first choice, I’ve found that participating in the things they enjoy has deepened my relationship with both of them.