How to Get Your Spouse to Go to Marriage Counseling

First:
If you haven’t already mentioned a marriage intensive retreat to your spouse, provide her or him with some information about . Don’t try and explain it.  No offense, but your spouse likely needs to hear about it from some other source than you. Perhaps bring up the website (on your laptop or cell and hand it to him or her).  Or maybe provide him or her a copy of our email brochure. Mention that you have been looking at the retreat online and it sounded like it might be something that could be helpful to your  marriage. Don’t say too much. At this point, let the website do the talking.

Second:
Set up a private time to talk.  Tell your spouse that you want to talk about something important regarding  your marriage. Then ask when might be a good time to talk for 10-15 minutes. If your spouse doesn’t suggest a time, then you suggest a time. Suggest a time in a casual way. For example, “I’d like to sit down for a few minutes and talk about something that might be helpful for us, maybe after we get the kids to bed”.   This approach may help them to not feel so anxious about what you want to talk about.

Whenever the time comes to sit down and talk, suggest to your spouse that you would like to hear each other out.  Express that you will listen without interrupting, and that you’d like to ask him/her to do the same for you. Remind your spouse that he/she and your marriage is very important to you.  Acknowledge that  you realize there are some things that are not going well, and others that are, and that you realize there are things  that need to be fixed so that both of you can be happier.  Humbly express that you realize there are mistakes you have made and things that you need to work on (assuming you do realize that),  and that you believe and/or hope that both of you want to fix it.

Third:
The most important thing to do now, is be quiet and listen. No coaxing, selling, persuading  and especially, interrupting or disagreeing.  Don’t talk. Be quiet. Let your spouse talk if he or she wants to. Don’t ask questions. Your spouse may need some time to review the information. If your spouse says something… listen… really  listen!  Seek to really understand what it is your  spouse is saying. Try and understand how your spouse actually feels about it.  But keep in mind, that it would only be natural for anyone who just heard the information to be cautious about it. 

Don’t be expect too much at this point. In fact it is not unusual for a spouse who has just read about the retreat to not say anything for awhile. That’s okay. Nevertheless, when your spouse does decide to talk about it- listen, not  just to find out why he or she doesn’t want to go, so that you can present your side of the argument. Rather, ask yourself, “What concerns and feelings is my spouse feeling about this? Be quiet and listen, without interrupting?”

Fourth:
This is key, try to understand and see it from your spouse’s perspective. Then validate his or her feelings and opinions, whether or not you agree. Their concerns probably DO make sense, from the way they see it. Express to your spouse that this important to you because you value your relationship with them.  Before you respond to any of your spouse’s concerns,  again try to imagine yourself in your spouse’s situation. Empathize with your spouse.

First, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to understand why it makes sense that your spouse would have that concern. Second, validate his or her opinions and feelings.  Third, express how you understand why he/she could think or feel that way.  Or how he or she might have that opinion, and that it makes sense, (whether or not you agree with it).  Remember, when you empathize and validate your spouse’s feelings and opinions, your are saying “I understand and I CARE.”

If and when you have done the above well, then you are ready to address each of your spouse’s concerns in a non-defensive manner. But don’t assume anything.  If you are uncertain about something your spouse has said, courteously ask a question or two about it. This will also show that you are interested and that  you care. Then make a statement that addresses his/her concern.

Fifth:
If your spouse objects to attending a marriage counseling intensive retreat, DO NOT interrupt and DO NOT  defend your position.  Don’t assume your spouse mean’s “no.” If they just blurt out something like “I’m not wasting time and money on that” (or whatever if any, their objection may be),  take a deep breath and pray. Allow your spouse to get things out and be heard by you.  Again, don’t argue.  Try to put yourself in their shoes.  Try to consider how they might feel the way they do. Validate their feelings and don’t rush to give an answer or to “fix it.” Instead, empathize and validate your spouse’s  feelings and concerns. Empathy and validation can also help minimize defensiveness and arguing.

Once you have done this well, you will be able to address your spouse’s concerns. And your spouse will be able to listen and hear what you have to say.