How to Get Your Spouse to Go to Marriage Counseling
Attending a marriage counseling intensive retreat is deeply personal. It’s not unusual for some spouses to be reluctant in getting professional help with their marriage. This includes attending private counseling or a marriage retreat or workshop. How you suggest to your spouse you as a couple should consider getting professional help with your marriage is crucial. How you present the idea to your partner will have an impact on how the idea will be received.
Before you suggest seeking professional help with your marriage, it is first important you understand the concerns. Second, you must be able to communicate effectively the important aspects of seeking help. For example, how do you think you and your spouse might benefit from marriage counseling or a marriage retreat? What kind of marriage retreat would be most beneficial for the two of you? What are the costs etc. Most importantly, what are your spouse’s concerns about going to marriage counseling or to a marriage intensive retreat? Establishing a clear understanding of these concerns will help you prepare to discuss his or her concerns.
When a spouse is reluctant to seek marriage counseling or attend a marriage counseling intensive retreat, it’s usually due to fears and concerns. The reluctance is not due to a lack of caring. A few of the most common fears and concerns I’ve heard spouses can have are:
- They don’t want to be blamed for what’s wrong in the marriage.
- A lack of information about the marriage retreat.
- They think couples should be able to solve their problems on their own.
- Fear of being embarrassed about talking to anyone about their problems.
- Concerns about the cost.
- They feel hurt and angry and have difficulty talking to or listening to their spouse.
- Thinking; “It probably wouldn’t do us any good anyway.”
- They may think their marriage is not that bad.
- They may consider that you;re the one who needs help.
- We went to marriage counseling before and it didn’t work.
How to get a reluctant partner to go to a Marriage Counseling Intensive Retreat
If you haven’t already mentioned a marriage intensive retreat to your spouse, provide her or him with some information about . Don’t try and explain it. No offense, but your spouse likely needs to hear about it from some other source than you. Perhaps bring up the website (on your laptop or cell and hand it to him or her). Or maybe provide him or her a copy of our email brochure. Mention that you have been looking at the retreat online and it sounded like it might be something that could be helpful to your marriage. Don’t say too much. At this point, let the website do the talking.
Set up a private time to talk. Tell your spouse that you want to talk about something important regarding your marriage. Then ask when might be a good time to talk for 10-15 minutes. If your spouse doesn’t suggest a time, then you suggest a time. Suggest a time in a casual way. For example, “I’d like to sit down for a few minutes and talk about something that might be helpful for us, maybe after we get the kids to bed”. This approach may help them to not feel so anxious about what you want to talk about.
Whenever the time comes to sit down and talk, suggest to your spouse that you would like to hear each other out. Express that you will listen without interrupting, and that you’d like to ask him/her to do the same for you. Remind your spouse that he/she and your marriage is very important to you. Acknowledge that you realize there are some things that are not going well, and others that are, and that you realize there are things that need to be fixed so that both of you can be happier. Humbly express that you realize there are mistakes you have made and things that you need to work on (assuming you do realize that), and that you believe and/or hope that both of you want to fix it.
The most important thing to do now, is be quiet and listen. No coaxing, selling, persuading and especially, interrupting or disagreeing. Don’t talk. Be quiet. Let your spouse talk if he or she wants to. Don’t ask questions. Your spouse may need some time to review the information. If your spouse says something… listen… really listen! Seek to really understand what it is your spouse is saying. Try and understand how your spouse actually feels about it. But keep in mind, that it would only be natural for anyone who just heard the information to be cautious about it.
Don’t be expect too much at this point. In fact it is not unusual for a spouse who has just read about the retreat to not say anything for awhile. That’s okay. Nevertheless, when your spouse does decide to talk about it- listen, not just to find out why he or she doesn’t want to go, so that you can present your side of the argument. Rather, ask yourself, “What concerns and feelings is my spouse feeling about this? Be quiet and listen, without interrupting?”
This is key, try to understand and see it from your spouse’s perspective. Then validate his or her feelings and opinions, whether or not you agree. Their concerns probably DO make sense, from the way they see it. Express to your spouse that this important to you because you value your relationship with them. Before you respond to any of your spouse’s concerns, again try to imagine yourself in your spouse’s situation. Empathize with your spouse.
First, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to understand why it makes sense that your spouse would have that concern. Second, validate his or her opinions and feelings. Third, express how you understand why he/she could think or feel that way. Or how he or she might have that opinion, and that it makes sense, (whether or not you agree with it). Remember, when you empathize and validate your spouse’s feelings and opinions, your are saying “I understand and I CARE.”
If and when you have done the above well, then you are ready to address each of your spouse’s concerns in a non-defensive manner. But don’t assume anything. If you are uncertain about something your spouse has said, courteously ask a question or two about it. This will also show that you are interested and that you care. Then make a statement that addresses his/her concern.
If your spouse objects to attending a marriage counseling intensive retreat, DO NOT interrupt and DO NOT defend your position. Don’t assume your spouse mean’s “no.” If they just blurt out something like “I’m not wasting time and money on that” (or whatever if any, their objection may be), take a deep breath and pray. Allow your spouse to get things out and be heard by you. Again, don’t argue. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Try to consider how they might feel the way they do. Validate their feelings and don’t rush to give an answer or to “fix it.” Instead, empathize and validate your spouse’s feelings and concerns. Empathy and validation can also help minimize defensiveness and arguing.
Once you have done this well, you will be able to address your spouse’s concerns. And your spouse will be able to listen and hear what you have to say.
Some Examples of an Objection and a Response
(After you have approached the subject and introduced the idea of the two of you going to a retreat)
Your spouse says: I don’t want to air our dirty laundry in front of somebody else. I feel very anxious about that. It could be embarrassing”
Your response: I can understand how you would feel anxious about airing our dirty laundry in front of somebody else. If we had to do that I would feel anxious and embarrassed too. And I realize that you have a high value for privacy and that you don’t like to share our private lives – especially our problems, with somebody else. I can understand how you might feel anxious about that. And one of the good things I like about this marriage renewal retreat is that “nobody has to share anything about their marriage in a group.” I read somewhere that they use a very private approach.
Objection: Talking to a Stranger
Your spouse says: The thought of talking to a stranger about our difficulties would not be appealing. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.
Your response: I can imagine how the thought of talking to a stranger about about our difficulties would make you feel uncomfortable. When you say, ‘a stranger, are you referring to talking to a counselor? Their website says that talking to a counselor is optional. Theirs is more of a coaching approach.
Your spouse says: I think that we should be able to handle this on our own.
Your response: I think I know what you mean. We shouldn’t need to get outside help. We should be able to solve our own problems. Your point makes sense and I agree. I think we have been trying to work on our marriage without getting professional help and it seems like we’re not getting closer to each other. Maybe even further apart and I don’t want that. What I want is to get someone to help us who understands the kinds of problems or issues we’re having and give us some direction and support. Someone who can teach us the skills and tools to help us to find better ways to handle our problems.
Your spouse says: Well, it’s your fault that we’re even having these problems in the first place. If it wasn’t for you… we wouldn’t have these problems.
Your response: I hear what you’re saying, and I can understand how you would think that. I realize that I am a lot to blame for our problems. I agree, a lot of it is my fault. Think of something that you do that is probably not helpful to the relationship and own it. (For example, “I know that one of the things I do is __________ (nag, criticize, don’t always show appreciation, am stressed out at work and bring it home, etc.) And I’m getting help working on my issues.
Objection: Time and Cost
Your spouse says: I’m not wasting time and money on that.
Your expression of understanding: It makes sense you don’t want to waste time and money – we both work hard and it makes sense that you don’t want to just throw money at something you’re not even sure would help. Is that right?
Finally, Make a Request
Your request: I would appreciate it if you would just go online, look at this program and tell me what you think. Will you agree to just explore this possibility with me? After that, we can decide whether we want to continue?
A few other tips:
Somewhere in the conversation, tell your spouse (if it is true), that you think both of you try to make things better. That’s perhaps why you would like the two of you to go together to a marriage counseling intensive retreat and learn more tools and skills to help both of you make your marriage better. You don’t want to the two of you to feel more and more disconnected, (or whatever is true for you).
It’s about the two of you building together a happier marriage that you both enjoy. Often, when a spouse realizes that the retreat is not about blaming or embarrassing them, they are more willing to go. They also are more likely to attend when they realize that you want to help the marriage or relationship because you value them and your life together, and that it needs to be more of what you BOTH want.
Tell your spouse something about the marriage retreat. Let her or him know that you have done some research. Tell your spouse you would like them come to at least go online and look at it, and then talk to the people that are leading the retreat and see if it is a good fit for either of you. After talking to them, then both of you can decide whether to go or not.
We hope to see you at our upcoming retreat!